Betty asks…
If you’re finally out of an abusive relationship/marriage, should you…?
Should you tell someone you start to date about your past? Well, if you’re separated or divorced, yes it’s only fair to tell at least that fact, or if you have children, but, when you get out of a mentally, or physically (or both) abusive relationship, do you tell someone who wants to date you about it? Should you do it BEFORE getting involved? After a few dates? Never?
Lukes Love Life answers:
Firstly Congratulations on getting out.
It takes a lot of strength to walk away from a relationship like that. Now you know DEFINATELY the kind of person you DON’T want to date so when you are ready to try again you will be able to see the things you don’t want in a partener quickly and get out while you stilll can.
After an abusive relationship it can be tempting to spread the word that you were abused and tell everyone you know so that it can’t happen to them. While in some cases this can be healthy you also run the risk of scaring away positive relationships in the making by putting a neon sign on your head calling out for someone to fill the hole. In some cases it is appropriate to say “i was abused” but because it is not a nice thing to happen to anyone it can be scary to those who have been lucky enough to avoid it.
Separation, divorce, single with kids etc. Are not as taboo in society as abuse.
Personally i would try to form a relationship with someone, find out if there is something about that person that makes you feel uneasy in the relationship. Get to know them and then when you feel you can say “i’m not ready to do this in our relationship, there are things from my past that scare me, it’s not you but i need you to understand and help me through this so we can be better partners” without feeling as though the person will get upset at you and walk out on you, you have found someone who cares about you regardless of what happened in the past.
You do not need someone who will treat you like the abuser, you do not need someone who will walk away when you need them most, you need someone you can trust to treat you as a human being.
It does get better, the pain fades but you never forget.
I reccommend you find a copy of a book called “women who love too much” By Robyn Norwood. I won’t lie to you. It’s very hard to read. It’s full of true stories about abuse and there will be parts of each and every story that you will identify with. At the end it gives you some ways that can help you become even stronger than you already are and shows that you can break the cycle and get away from “bad choices”
It was reccommended to me and the first time i picked it up i couldn’t finish the first page. I thought it was stupid and had nothing to do with me. A week later i was told to try again and i got through two pages. The third time i was asked to read it i sat down and read about 5 chapters. I was told afterwards that it was hard to read because i could identify with the feelings the people had and it was too close to home. It’s worth every word on every page and then some. Persevere and you will get through.
I wish you all the best in the future.
I have been abused and i have learnt from getting out. I now have a wonderful man in my life who treats my daughter as his own and treats me like i am his world.
You deserve that too.
Donna asks…
Everytime a girl here, makes any comment about being in a relationship outside of marriage?
or anything like this.
numerous posters, call her a slut or a whore. Wow, considering your education & immediate judgment of people you don’t even know, should you really be throwing your shameful education in peoples faces quite so eagerly
i get that many of you are young, so maybe that’s it but, don’t you think that maybe you are in fact a far far worse person than the people you are labeling, simply because of how nasty your mind is
Lukes Love Life answers:
Some of these younger people can’t help it. They’ve been brainwashed with that Madonna/whore complex that should have died out 40 years ago. I don’t see them labeling the guys in sexual relationships with the same name. It’s sad that our young women have bought into that double standard,and accept it.
Donald asks…
Men are Too Immature to Handle to Have a Monogomous Relationship for a Long Period Such as Marriage?
Men are annoying and very annoying the more I get to know one. The same with women. I like monogomous relationships, it’s just the long-term bores the hell out of me. In fact just being by myself in life doesn’t seem so bad as long as I have a strong supportive social structure in place. Anyone feel the same?
Lukes Love Life answers:
The primary cause of divorce is marriage.
Instinctively, most men, and some women, do tend to follow their primitive desires to hunt. Monogamy is our civilized solution to child raising, disease prevention, and emotional protection.
Yes, other people do feel the same way. They are often called spinsters or hermits.
Charles asks…
If you are born in MULTI-NATIONAL, MULTI-ETHNIC, MULTI-CULTURAL marriage (or relationship), please check this?
This poll is meant for people who are born in multi-ethnic (multi-national), multi-cultural marriages. The goal of this research is to try and determine some basic rules, similarities or differences witch can appear when it comes to national, ethnic and religious identity of a person born in a “mixed” marriage, considering the facts which can influence one’s opinion.
Results of this poll will be used exclusively for academic purposes; not for commercial ones. This poll is anonymous, but I would really appreciate if you could keep your answers, to these personal and delicate questions, honest and thorough, so that the conclusion of this poll could be as credible as possible. Thank you.
1. Year of birth:
2. Gender:
3. Country you live in:
4. Education / occupation:
5. National, ethnic and religious background of the father:
6. National, ethnic and religious background of the mother:
(If the parents are also born in “mixed” marriages, please state that as well.)
7. Is ethnic or religious background of great importance in your society?
8. Is it common practice, in your society, for one spouse to convert to another’s religion?
Is that the case with your parents? (If they have different religious backgrounds.)
9. How do other people perceive you, being that you are born from multi-cultural
marriage? Are you bothered by that?
10. Have you ever been discriminated, or had unpleasant experiences because of your or
your parent’s ethnic or religious background?
11. Are you religious?
12. If your parents are different religion, which do you prefer and why?
13. Short view on tradition and customs of your parents:
14. How do you declare yourself based on ethnic identity of your parents?
(Do you consider yourself a member of your father’s ethnic group, or your mother’s,
or do you declare yourself differently? Why?)
15. Would you consider marrying a person of a different race, nationality, ethnicity or
religion?
16. If that is the case, would you be bothered if your spouse insists on raising your
children as a part of his/her culture?
17. Do you feel closer to certain ethnic groups than others, and would that influence your
decision in marrying someone.
18. Are there people of certain ethnicity, race, or religion with whom you would never
engage in marriage or any kind of close relationship? Why?
19. Is ethnic or religious identity and background a factor in your life at all?
20. Do you consider the fact that you are born in a “mixed”, multi-cultural marriage,
to be an advantage or disadvantage in your life? Please explain why.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR TAKING THE TIME TO ANSWER MY POLL.
I’m doing this little research for my ethnology/anthroplogy studies.
Lukes Love Life answers:
Additional Details
21 minutes ago
1. Year of birth: —1962
2. Gender: —male
3. Country you live in: —America
4. Education / occupation: —industrial nurse then phlebotomist
5. National, ethnic and religious background of the father: –Rromani and Gadje (his Gadje was standard issue White), no religion, Romanian. To clear up the inevitable confusion: Rromani is an ethnicity, Romania is a country. Not all Rromani are from Romania, we are from all over… Most people think this because they think the “Rrom” references Romania. “Rrom” means “man”, that is all.
6. National, ethnic and religious background of the mother: —Rromani and Romanian, do not know religion because she died
birthing me.
7. Is ethnic or religious background of great importance in your society?: —yes to both
8. Is it common practice, in your society, for one spouse to convert to another’s religion?: —no, but then many Rromani have become Christian and that is not our original religion.
9. How do other people perceive you, being that you are born from multi-cultural marriage? Are you bothered by that?: —A few Rromani say “he’s not full blooded, he’s not a REAL Rromani” but not many. My problem is with Gadje and their opinion of “theiving Gypsies”
10. Have you ever been discriminated, or had unpleasant experiences because of your or your parent’s ethnic or religious background? –of course
11. Are you religious? –not in the slightest
12. If your parents are different religion, which do you prefer and why? –as I said, I did not know my mother and my father was as atheist as myself.
13. Short view on tradition and customs of your parents: —I have already gone in depth into this subject on Yahoo! Answers. Some of these I did not take best answer but, frankly, I was right:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AuElCOJD98Qn7vF7eMPmHxTsy6IX?qid=20070207015014AApPFQ6&show=7#profile-info-siV7fByJaa
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Avz1Y2DTQu4A21AAfh2rxvrsy6IX?qid=20070204034150AAuHRwW
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AiaE7Q8odomuilhcrvu_0AHsy6IX?qid=20070128164706AAzvy9d
14. How do you declare yourself based on ethnic identity of your parents (Do you consider yourself a member of your father’s ethnic group, or your mother’s, or do you declare yourself differently? Why?) —I am 3/4 Rromani. I do have Gadje blood and am not ashamed of it but I identify with my Rromani blood.
15. Would you consider marrying a person of a different race, nationality, ethnicity or religion? —I would. It is NOT traditional for Rromani to marry Gadje but, in America, that is not much practiced anymore. I would have no problem marrying a Gadje.
16. If that is the case, would you be bothered if your spouse insists on raising your children as a part of his/her culture? —I would be bothered if my spouse insisted on ignoring MY heritage. I would encourage her to teach the children of hers. Of course, I would not be with someone who did not like Rromani.
17. Do you feel closer to certain ethnic groups than others, and would that influence your decision in marrying someone. —I have no problem with Gadje. I am comfortable with Rromani and Gadje both.
18. Are there people of certain ethnicity, race, or religion with whom you would never engage in marriage or any kind of close relationship? Why? —not that I can think of offhand
19. Is ethnic or religious identity and background a factor in your life at all? —ethnic… Strongly. Religious… None.
20. Do you consider the fact that you are born in a “mixed”, multi-cultural marriage, to be an advantage or disadvantage in your life? Please explain why.—I am technically mixed because of my 1/4 Gadje blood but I consider myself Rromani. The only problem I have is that I refuse to “pass” (I am light skinned) and ALL “Gypsies” have problem in society.
David asks…
Standards for Long-term relationship/marriage !?
So I just got back in the dating world after …well after something siginigicant.
====================================
Now, without going into too much detail of how one friend of mine is telling me to hook up with this girl because girl is a rich person …and then other friend of mine is telling me to hook up with someone else…
I am getting a bit Confused …just to even going back into dating world.
Girls they have been showing me are not great looking girls. they are short, chhuby …..NOW these are Generally very NICE girls and Great FRIENDS of mine ….but I can’t imagine dating them or getting into relationships….because I already know (this is how I look at it and its my perspective and my opinion) …these girls are …Nice but a bit demanding and immature and always complaining about life.
I don’t feel like lowering my standards because I have had multiple relationship failures…. One part of my heart is saying that I am becoming too egoistic ..and other part of my heart is saying that …I can’t lower my standards in certain things ..
if a girl is not GOOD looking …thats ok …but if she is Demanding, a bit immature ….Should i just look at the facts that she is highly educated, makes lot of money and wants to date me, SO i MUST go out with her and get into relationship with her…
Point is…. I just don’t feel EXCITED about few prospects that my friends are showing me…
Should I feel that EXCITEMENT for that correct person ??
Are my standards too high ?? Am I becoming egoistic person ??
Lukes Love Life answers:
I don’t think you should lower your standards that much expecially when it comes to a long term relationship. If you start dating someone that you truly don’t like then it isn’t going to last.
If you are meant to be in a long term relationship or married ask God to send that one to you. If it is meant to be it will happen and if not it won’t.
Take some time to be out on your own for awhile.
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