Linda asks…
My boyfriend cuts himself when we argue?
First, I apologize for the length of this question. I try to summarize it the best I can but I still feel like I haven’t said enough.
My boyfriend and I have been together about a year. The relationship was one that really should have never been. He pursued me when I was still recovering from a very rough transition in my life, and I was not in a good place. He took the brunt of many of the problems I was going through back then, as I was very depressed. I’ve been working on my life and have made great progress – But this is where the problems come into play.
Since I’ve been working to improve my life, he’s become very resentful and insecure. Worries that I will forget him, that I will find someone better, etc. I tried to reassure him, but you know that really never does any good. He also became quite verbally and emotionally abusive, calling me horrible names and going into a manic frenzy when I’ve said I wanted out(which I have done quite a bit – And it is my problem for never sticking to what I said I’d do ). He has a bad relationship with his parents and resents the fact that I’m close to my mother. He tries to distance me from her. There was even a scenario where I told him to leave my home, and he freaked out and began punching himself, then swallowed a whole bunch of pills. I am by no means very sane…I have my issues…But after that, a lot of my feelings for him began to fade. I’m not equipped to help someone through that, I feel MYSELF slipping back and I worked hard to get here.
He is bi-polar and on medication. He refuses therapy and recently lost his job. Since then, he has become even more difficult to deal with. He has no motivation or desire to get a new job. He constantly wants space, and when I call him to see how he is doing, he gets angry because I “violated” his space thing by coming to him, when he should be coming to me. He begrudges me for old arguments, things I have forgotten about, and he will snap at me for them out of nowhere. He is quick to snap, he buries himself in video games(kind of always has), and is constantly angry at me.
I don’t feel like I have a boyfriend, and I haven’t for a long time. I’m obviously not where I want to be because I stayed in an unhealthy relationship. Not even pointing fingers now, but it is clearly an unhealthy, abusive relationship and if I valued myself more, I would not have been in it so long.
I want out. I’ve tried to get out. He comes back, and I can’t gather the strength to keep it permanent. I went as far as to say I was interested in someone else, because he said if I ever was, he would never want anything to do with me again. Instead, he cut himself, and punched himself, in front of me, and made me watch. It’s like he’s saying “Look what you made me do”. It’s sick, and I can’t take it anymore. I also can’t seem to turn my back on someone that’s hurting. What can I do? He won’t get help. I’m tired of hearing sorry. You can’t slap someone in the face, say sorry, then do it over and over.
Lukes Love Life answers:
Omg get the hell away from this monster!
Not having enough strength to get away is not excuse! He is going to bring you down with him and turn you life to even more hell. Get a restraining order, call the police and get him in the hospital because he seriously needs help and you know that. Get selfish, forget about his feelings because that’s exactly what he has done. He doesn’t care about you anymore he just wants you to suffer like him. What he is doing is called mental abuse and he can go to the crazy house and live with his fellow crazy people because of it, or jail.
Seriously, pull out all the guns and get him away from you and your family.
Sandy asks…
My ex wife (divorced 4 years ) has alienated me from my 11 year old daughter?
she has told my beautiful daughter lies about me and now my daughter does not want to see or speak to me. We had such a wonderful father/daughter relationship prior to this.My ex even changed my daughters phone number and e-mail address to stop me communicating with her.I went to see my daughter on her way to school and gave her a letter telling her i loved her but he mother accused me of harassment ! now she has threatened to get an injunction against me. My poor daughter is being manipulated and i am so worried for her in this unhealthy scenario.What can i do under u.k laws to get access to my daughter ?
Please tell me what rights i have under uk law
Please tell me what rights i have under uk law. We had a mutual agreement that i could see or talk to my daughter anytime which was great. i never missed a single maintenance payment and i am still paying
Lukes Love Life answers:
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. It’s wonderful that you’re trying to stay involved in your daughters life. I’ll never understand why a mother who is truly thinking about what’s in the best interest of their child would cut off a healthy relationship with the other parent. If like you said, the relationship was a healthy one and there isn’t any info you’re leaving out… Then you should continue to fight for your daughter in court (making sure not to put her in the middle) and try to reach out to her in healthy ways such as a letter telling her you care about her and miss her.
There are some men, a lot of men, who blame the ex for not allowing them to see their kids (like my ex), when it’s not true… Just so they can walk away and not look like jerks. My ex hasn’t seen our son for 6 months despite the fact that I encouraged it. He’d just rather “be free” and “start over”. You’d better believe if he tried to come back now, after no word or child support for 6 months, and hurting my son by basically abandoning him… I would fight to make sure he had to go through the courts to see him. Coming in and out of his life, with months in between, is unfair and painful for a child and I won’t allow him to hurt my son emotionally like that. Either he’s involved or he’s out. Period. Is that what happened with your ex? Did you cheat on her? What did you do that you need to take responsibility for? This situation probably just didn’t create itself. Most of the time it’s the product of decisions that you made. So, what do you need to heal with your ex wife? Because the fact is… The best thing a man can do for his children is respect their mother.
So, as long as what you’re saying is all true… Then your ex is wrong to keep you from your daughter and you should not stop trying to restore a relationship with her. Perhaps the best thing would be to get a court ordered mediation with your ex wife. You really need to be the bigger person and try to mend whatever was destroyed between you and her that’s making her hate you so much. Because it will make your life, and your daughters life easier if you have a civil relationship with her.
Good luck!
Chris asks…
How can I prevent my sisters marriage? (PLEASE HELP)?
Ok. So here’s the scenario. My sister has been going out with this dude for about 4 years now. I understand that couples have fights all the time, but when these two fight its on a different level. They get into huge arguments every other day which involves them screaming at each other and leads up to my sister crying. AND THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME yet they still come back to each other. She’s beaten him a few times and he’s beat her. This is a very unhealthy relationship and my parents are worried sick. I don’t know where to turn. I know that there are a lot of smart people on here so I was just wondering if anyone had any suggestions about how to prevent this marriage. Because I’m sure that after they get married things will only get worse. O yeah I almost forgot. He doesn’t have a job either so I have no idea how he’s supposed to support his family. He also has some sort of temporary visa (i forgot what its called) but he only comes to america every year for about 3 months then leaves back to Egypt. If anyone has any suggestion, please PLEASE share it with me. thanks
Lukes Love Life answers:
You can sit down and talk to her, till you are blue in the face. But take this from someone who has tried. My own sister married an extremely abusive man and honestly I did my best to prevent that pregnancy showing pictures of him with another woman, introducing her to a really nice guy, helping her get a education and a good job. In the end though she turned against it all and married him anyways!! It ended in disaster with him almost killing her and her two kids and then getting drunk and playing a game of russian roulette that killed him!!
The best you can do is talk to her tell her why you feel this way then step back and let her learn from the mistake she is making.
Steven asks…
Vampires Are Basically Supernaturally Fueled Serial Killers, So What Makes Edward HAWT and Ted Bundy NOT?
I LOVE vampires don’t get me wrong, they can be sexy and I’m not against romanticizing them…however I miss them being reckless monsters of the night who ripped innocent victims to shreds without any regret or sympathy. Vampires use to be beasts of darkness NOT sexy underwear models cruising around town in shiny Volvos…
I’ve been trying to convince the Twihards (lost cause I know…) that vampires, especially sparklepires…(since really, all Edward’s ‘love’ revolves around is his ever growing desire to rip Bella open and devour her insides…) are nothing more than serial killers fueled by supernatural powers of EVUL.
Why…does making a sociopath immortal or hot automatically excuse them for being raging psychopaths who see you as dinner?
It’s like…wanting to get into Hannibal Lectur’s pants because he wants to nibble on your intestines…the hell kind of world does THAT make any lick of sense???!!!
This scenario reminded me of Criminal Minds. For those who are familiar with the series you probably know who I’m going to bring up but for those who don’t…allow me to bring you up to speed.
All throughout season 2 there was a particularly disturbed serial killer named Frank who for like…20 f***ing years would pick up young girls, sedate them, and watch them in a state of paralyzed fear as he cut up their insides. One of the girls he abducted didn’t show fear, instead she seemed fascinated by him even though she was kind of out of it and paralyzed, lying on a table being prepared to be slaughtered. She looked into his eyes and smiled saying “you have such beautiful eyes!” this surprised Frank. He released her and quickly grew infatuated by her convinced it was love. She forced a fantasy that she was abducted by aliens and when she is reunited with Frank 20 years later she basically throws herself at him.
I could go into detail but basically this little love story does NOT end well, he starts to unravel, s**t hits the fan, and the tale of the two ‘lovers’ ends when they both f***ing throw themselves in front of a moving train.
That folks, is a psychotic and unhealthy relationship. You have to be seriously insane to go “awwww!!!” over that…Like…REALLY PEOPLE.
But I promise you, if Frank was 20 years younger and dubbed a sexy vampire you would have thought that was the hottest true love story EVOR…but it’s not! It’s pure insanity!!!
What is wrong with people?! T_T
Here’s a video from that particular episode of Criminal Minds I’m referring to…
WATCH IT!
@Tuk: Just because Edward is fictional doesn’t excuse him from being a psychopath. In the Twilight universe (within the books) Bella is just as real as Edward so Bella is batshit insane for falling for Edward. Do you or do you not condone their…’relationship‘?
Even if Edward IS fictional…millions of tweens worldwide fantasize about finding ‘their Edward’…their Edward may not be a vampiric monster of the night…but they most likely will be a sociopath if they find those qualities in a man…gag…romantic.
Lukes Love Life answers:
I agree, and I really do love this!
My favorite brand of vampire is way Anne Rice portrays them. A, more sophisticated brand I suppose, but just as deadly when push comes to shove. I do of course love the classic drain you and rip you to shreds vampire as well.
It amazes me that Twilight fans are now so keen on vampires, and telling other people who have read books such as Dracula, that Dracula was not a vampire because he did not sparkle, and that Edward could easily take him down. Ha!
Every author is able to throw in a twist, we like twists to the norm…but she just crossed the boundary line with her vampires and plot holes.
I also agree that even though they are fictional characters, to some girls they are real. They have confused themselves with mixing Edward with Rob, the actor, and since they see a living body as “Edward” they obsess over it even more. No one thought Edward was ‘hot’ until Rob played his role. It annoys me when people go on and on how Edward is soooo hot, when they really mean Rob is, and Rob is not Edward.
And when you read books, regardless of if they are fictional or not, you do become attached to certain characters. A lot of people openly cried when their favorite HP character died.
They overlook that he is an abusive boyfriend, and see him as their Prince Charming. Some people have even gotten into fist fights over him. He isnt real, but he is having a lasting effect on young teens. They want someone like Edward, so when they find that abusive hot guy, they will stick to him, like Bella did. But they are not like Bella. Bella had no hopes, dreams, future, not even a personality. These girls will find themselves wanting more, but not seeing it as they have found their “Edward”, and since Bella had a happy ending, they think they will too. They will excuse his poor behavior by saying “Well, he dragged me to this party I did not want to go to because it was a surprise!”, or “He only keeps me from my friends because he wants to keep me safe.”
I also agree that even though he is fictional, it doesn’t excuse him for being a psychopath. Meyer should have realized how impressionable the age group she targeted is. True, you want to keep vampires vampires, but she did it the wrong way. If he is going to be the perfect boyfriend, the loving vampire, a role model for young girls, you cannot make him abusive just because he is a vampire. She made a character people could fall in love with, but made him an abusive controlling jerk…no one should fall in love with that. In that romance book, she should have kept the traditional out of the sun, and has to sleep during the day vampire. Instead of giving him an attitude problem.
P.S That video ticked me off. Why did he have to jump in front of the train! No idea who any of those people are, but it ticks me off when the bad guy pretty much gets away by suicide. Plus, he was happy! He got the girl, and bam, went off to oblivion. He didn’t even suffer for his crimes! Grr >_>
Mandy asks…
How can I gain control over my emotionally abusive boyf?
Please find below a question I posted yesterday.
I’m finding it hard to say no and be strong with my boyfriend.
This is causing me to start losing interest fast!
There are a few scenarios;
He does not understand that when we go to my house we have to sleep in separate beds, due to my parents not allowing it & its ust out of respect. We argue constantly and he tells me I should tell them im not a baby any more and I should be allowed to sleep with my boyfriend. But I told him I respect my parent’s wishes and won’t argue with them over it and he should respect them too, again he doesn’t see my point.
When it comes to sex he refuses to wear a condom. I have tried the pill but it made me moody/unhappy and fat. I did change pills but I don’t want to risk it again by being over weight and I hated how my moods rapidly would change. I just said please just wear a condom its a lot cheaper and it means I don’t have to take a pill every day that makes me unhappy. Again he argues that condoms are annoying blah blah blah.. which causes us to have unprotected sex which sometimes ends in me having to buy the morning after pill.
When it comes to being together he wants to be with me until 11pm at night which is so hard considering I have a full time job (mon-fri) with an early start. We get in arguments and he is always asking “why don’t you ever want to be with me!!”
Also, I am never allowed to go to the gym/friends house etc without his permission, which he never grants unless HE has made plans with the boys (which is hardly ever!!!!!!)
Don’t get it wrong, this boy apart from these things is amazing and I know reading this you will get a wrong idea. I would just up and leave if I thought the relationship wasn’t worth the fight I just want to find a way I can be happy and have more control of this relationship before all the feelings I have for him go.
It hasn’t always been like this I think he just realizes that he has a hold on me.
Help?
PS. Im 17
Adding on since then;
Last night he wanted to see me after a boys night, it was 11.30pm and I had work the next day ( today! ). I told him it wasn’t a good idea I was tired and he wasn’t allowed to sleep over, he assured me that he wouldn’t come over for long just ten minutes to cuddle me coz he hadn’t seen me all day. he came over wouldn’t let me fall asleep, had sex with me kept me awake until 2am and I told him I cant do this anymore and I wanted to end it. But he wouldn’t accept it he was saying no please don’t you don’t want to break up and I was like I really do can we just be friends and he would not let it happen. So eventually I said fine but this cant happen anymore you cant always be so selfish. Anyways he ended up staying for another half an hour keeping me up shining his phone light in my face and talking to me.
Then I walked him out and he walked home.i am so exhausted and I don’t know what to do I am so in love with this kid but it clearly isn’t working for me and this is so unhealthy to keep going this way. Please help how can I gain strength and courage to break up and stick to it and mean it. He always says il regret it and im so scared I will.
Lukes Love Life answers:
You are defending him, letting us know that he has good sides too. Having lived with the same man for 20 year now I know one thing, the bad things you see at the beginning of a relationship does not get better and you will find more. Now that’s fine if all he does is to leave his dirty socks in the living room and forgets to take out the trash but your boy is playing in a different league.
It’s not emotional abuse, he’s a control junkie. He doesn’t do things because of how it makes you feel or not he does it because he has to be the one in control over the things happening in your life. Your parents have the control over their house and it really bothers him that he can’t control you enough to make you change that so that he gets what he wants. He refuses to wear a condom, that’s also about control. He demands to see you late at night when you should be sleeping, that too is about control and him getting what he wants.
That he is “amazing” is a way for him to bind you to him so that he can control you.
That’s how control junkies work. They are very nice and charming and wonderful so that you will like them and be willing to do things for them, things they control.
If they don’t get what they want they turn to other tactics;
They become moody and make you feel bad for hurting them, when you feel bad you are more likely to do what they want you to do.
They turn to emotional blackmail, “if you don’t do this you don’t love me” or the other way around “I know you love this but you can’t have it since I can’t get what I want”.
They turn physical and try to physically push things into happening. It does not have to be physical as in pushing or beating, physical can also be to be there in person to shine light in the eyes of a person that really needs to sleep or locking a door so that they can’t get out.
They use psychology to break down the person they want to control and make the person think it’s them that’s wrong and not the control junkie.
At the end of it all you have real abuse, when they intentionally do harm to be able to get control.
You are in love with the person he pretends to be so that he can control you.
Things will not get better over time, they will get worse as he gains more and more control over you.
You will miss him because he has made sure to be such a big part and influence on your life. We always miss things that we have been close to once they are gone.
Will you regret leaving him? Perhaps when your mind is playing games on you making you think “what if” and then paint a pretty picture. Your mind is there to entertain and please you so there will be nothing about all the bad parts in that “what if” moment.
Will it be hard to tell him “no” when he tries to get back to you? Oh yes! Because he will be at his most amazing trying to charm you back or his very worst trying to scare you into coming back.
Should you leave him? No doubt. You deserve to live a normal life where you are loved for being you and not simply liked because you can be controlled. Most of all, you deserve respect and he will never give it to you.
The “kid” that you love is a mirage, an illusion, and it will not last. The illusion will fade and you will find that the real “kid” is nothing like the “kid” that you love.
Powered by Yahoo! Answers
